The First Few Days of Christmas

(originally written- Dec, ‘22)

it’s the first few days of Christmas, and I’m in Madrid, Spain. Never in a million years would I have predicted the way these past few days have played out but still I have been trying to hold space in my heart for gratitude.

this is not a post to share with you the wisdom I have now attained from a challenging experience, not quite. I’m going through it, I’m trying to make sense of it all. I’m trying to hope that there is a meaning to all that is happening. I feel that there is, but its vision is blurry, like trying to remember a distant dream.

what does feel evident is the sense of being-ness this period has gifted me. Things falling apart. And it has been humbling to let go of all that we had planned for what this season would be like in our lives.

i was initially very resistant. I did not want to accept or believe the situation we’ve been in. If I’m to be honest, I have been quite resistant to all the turns and changes and challenging periods 2022 has come with. I keep trying to squeeze out meaning, I keep re-planning the purpose. I tell myself, it’s hard now but it’s all for this goal so it’s okay, I just have to hang in there.

but in this period, I just feel melted. Because the reason for everything happening doesn’t feel evident, and I feel tired of trying to make sense of it all. As I let go of trying to explain my life to myself with a positive perspective, I feel relief. I feel a sense of being-ness. It feels like forever since I just let myself be. Accept the truth and not try to fast-forward through pain to reach the reason for the pain. And in being, in allowing myself to try to be in it, to try to let go of planning for the future, I somehow feel human again. I feel in touch with myself. That girl that just allowed life to happen to her.

somehow getting into the culture of manifesting, and creating the life you want and not getting lost in the challenges but instead staying positive, has made me lose touch with reality. It has also made me think that the joy comes in seeing your manifestations come to pass, but I don’t know if that’s really where the joy lies. The more I move through this reason, the more I feel that perhaps I’m not just on earth to create my perfect life and to be intentional about my manifestations, perhaps I just want to feel human. I just want to feel. I want to love, and I want to feel loved. I want to help those in pain, I want people to feel better. I want humanity to hurt less. As I write these words, I feel human again. Getting off the treadmill of focusing so much on myself, and my creations for my life, and how much pressure that has been putting on me to produce and create the perfect life.

the truth is, I don’t know what the perfect life is. I only know feelings that feel true, and moments in which I have these feelings. And sometimes, these true moments don’t come from moments or experiences I thought would create them.

being in Madrid has helped me feel human. Having to drop all I had planned, all of it, and fall into love and care for other people outside of me, has made me feel human again. In helping another I find that I am being helped. Isn’t this funny how this works out? And all along, I had a list of things I thought would induce this feeling I’ve so deeply craved for some time without even realizing it.

i find now that what I desire is feelings, essences, and flavours of emotions that I long to feel because they feel true. I long to live a life that just feels true. That feels real. That is innocently allowing for mystery (I can’t put this feeling quite in words, but I feel it). It’s not about what we think will induce these feelings, but it is in allowing oneself to flow through life, even when it’s hard that we realise these feelings that we never even knew we desired. Isn’t this the beauty of it all? Life gives you what you need, whether or not you actively try to manifest it if you just allow yourself to flow.

being in Madrid these days feels homey. I didn’t expect this, but I feel open. I feel raw. I feel here. As I move through the heavy emotions of this period, I recognize that this city I once pushed vehemently against, and an experience I tried my best to avoid, is somehow leaving an imprint on me that I feel I will never forget.

i looked out the window the other day from our apartment, and I saw this Christmas tree lit up. It just all felt surreal. And seeing this Christmas tree brought me hope and a sense of delight in that moment. Now every night, I look out the window to see if they have their tree lit up. And then I stare up at the moon, and I feel here.

as I continue on through this period, I ask for grace, patience and strength. I ask for perspective and for surrender. I ask that all be well. I’m thankful that all is well.