Circle

I think I have seen You before. As a child, I had this lucid dream. I knew I was dreaming, but it felt real. You were in daddy's bathroom. It was flooded in some sense, like the whole bathroom was flooded and was continually getting flooded as the purple walls filled up with water, but I felt peace. I felt still. I saw You right there in the bathroom. Clothed in white robes, with an endearing demeanour. It felt natural. I have never forgotten.

There's something about the cyclic nature of life that is found in all spaces. In the way we breathe, in and then out. Each breath carrying its own form. In the way our hearts beat. In the seasons rising and fading. In the motion of waves and tides. In the rotation and revolution of the earth. Everything seems to have its own rhythm. Its own heartbeat. Everything comes, goes, comes again and so on. Even the way we perceive, experience and notice these rhythms, changes. The way we evolve and revolve through them. The way we pay deeper attention to each wave and notice the seashells, and other gems of love and of wisdom, they sometimes leave behind.

I was half awake when a tornado of anxious thoughts of my to-do list lifted me right into it. What I mean to say is, the energy of the thoughts that rushed into my head that morning, felt that of a tornado. It was a dizzying feeling, as I tried to find centre. Then I saw You again, in the middle of this tornado. You reached out to me. I pushed myself towards You with all the strength I had, and latched on tightly. You held on to me, with so much compassion and love. And slowly, the tornado dissipated. Once again, You brought me peace.

In this season of processing emotions I thought I had moved passed, I sometimes wonder if You are still as near. If I had done something wrong or missed a routine, that has brought me back here again. I thought I once felt Your compassion deeply, I thought I got closer to You. I thought I had these profound moments of intimacy with You. So why do these feelings of shame, doubt and guilt overwhelm me once again. But this time, with a different essence? This time with more intricacy?

And then I realise that I am on yet another circle of life, in line with this cyclic nature of life. Then I realise that my experience of this circle of life, feels more like a spiral. Each time I go through a revolution around, I visit similar emotions, thoughts and experiences that I once did, but just like the waves, I'm left with a different seashell, a different gem, with an invitation to go deeper. 

Each time I spiral inwards, I feel Your grace and compassion even more deeply, perhaps this means I am spiralling towards a deeper understanding of who You are. It's as though You are the sun, and I a planet. The closer I get, the hotter it sometimes feels, but the brighter the light that comes in.

I thought this journey to deeper understanding and union with You, would be simply pleasant, Jesus. I thought I'd feel elation and freedom all the time.

Then I am reminded, that the doubt, guilt, shame, and insecurities that I feel are all part of the design. With each time around, I experience each phase that I have once seen before, differently. I rediscover Your grace, love and healing more profoundly. It teaches me more about the art of surrender. The art of compassion. It humbles me. It brings me closer to my truth. It brings me closer to the me that is deeply rooted in You. The You that is manifested uniquely through me. It brings me closer to You.

You remind me too, that it is in another form, a dance, as we were conceived in union with Love. A lot of this journey looks like re-discovering the early child in me. That could easily fall, fail, laugh, and get back up. That moved through life with an understanding that I was beautifully imperfect, and baked in Love. Part of the journey inwards, to the centre of the spiral, this rebirth, feels nostalgic too, as I remember faintly how it once was. How open life once felt. How being in union with Your truth, once felt natural beyond choice, before pain and fear set in. And this re-birth feels like a dance between an art of remembering, and of falling into grace, while all evolving through and revolving around the same circle of life.

And so I'm brought back to my breath in this moment. As I try to put all of this in writing. It's humbling, it's comforting, I'm thankful. But I don't know how to write it all. I don't know how to express all that I feel. I feel that I need to put it all in words, to make it all more concrete. To always come back to the comfort I draw from it. But maybe this comfort I feel is in its form - dynamic. Maybe it is also deepened each time around, as I journey towards You.